Thirteen nights ago, a powerful voice from on high broke through my brain fog: “Donald Duffy, you are commanded to follow these Six Golden Rules. If you obey, you will live on and on and lead flocks of other aging men and women.”
The powerful voice, with background music from Kenny G. playing the Star Wars theme, then proclaimed the Six Golden Rules. As a gift, I pass them on to you now.
1. Remember only those things from your past that that have no purpose and will never be of help.
2. Never use your phone or watch for anything other than making calls and telling the time. Do not keep them in the same place overnight. Rather, find unique spots each day, preferably under stuff.
3. Always make cheese the cornerstone of your diet. Eat it at every meal, with special attention to aged blue cheese.
4. At night, never sleep for more than an hour and a half at a time, and always leave the light on in the bathroom.
5. Quickly forget the names of important people you are introduced to. Continue to remember every boy’s name from your second grade class at St. Cecilia Grade School.
6. Do not exercise other than on the fifteenth of each month. Do not extend this exercise for more than nine minutes, including a break midway through.
I’d love to hear any golden rules that have been passed on to you.
Cane and able